1. Nathaniel

1. Nathaniel.

“How do you know me”, Nathaniel asked. Jesus answered “before Philip called you I saw you under the fig-tree” John 1:48

I don’t remember much about my foray into the world of ballet-dancing when I was a little girl. I think I remember loving it in parts, and in equal measure a lot of it was a mystery to me.

One memory has remained, and has been lingering in my heart recently. I remember a show, maybe my first one because I recall feeling a little lost in a sea of girls wearing confidence and blue eye-shadow with ease. I remember a busy changing room, and my mum who seemed to know just how to navigate leotards and tights, hair and make-up and bossy women with mini-me’s twirling around and chattering their excitement. I remember the stage and the lights and my first ever glimpse of an audience in inky darkness. I don’t remember feeling anything much, carried through the evening by the momentum and energy of the show, until the very end.

After the last dance and the last applause, as we were stood onstage still, the teacher came up and we gave her our thanks. Then I watched and then shrank a little as mums came onstage with gifts and flowers for their girls. I fixed on my it’s-ok smile as I was sure we weren’t prepared, that we hadn’t had the memo. Suddenly, there was my mum too, holding out to me a little white cardboard box. I opened my gift, and took out an agate-green trinket holder shaped like an apple, with a golden leaf. I didn’t know I could love anything so much, this delicate gift, so pretty and perfect. It was for me, and it was a revelation to me about me: before that day I didn’t know I loved tiny beautiful things, creativity and colour. My mum knew me before I knew me, and I don’t know how, but she did. My mum gave me many good things that day: her presence in the whirlwind and her planning of a gift for me. But the most wonderful thing she gave me was a good knowing of myself.

We are so often a mystery to ourselves, and in the whirlwind of life there are many times when it seems that everyone else knows what they are doing, and exactly how much blue eye-shadow to wear (it was the early 80’s).  There are times that should be magical, but pass us by. There are times when the house-lights come up and we feel unprepared and exposed. There are times. In all times, the One who loves us deeply longs to surprise us with the gift of knowing.

I know that there was another apple, a forbidden knowing that was stolen not given, and a deep sadness. But there is a good knowing, and this is the mystery we are invited into daily as we read and as we go up and meet Him at His invitation.

Hosea 6:6 reads “I want to show you love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know me more than I want burnt offerings.”  (NLT)

John 17:3 tells us that this knowing of Jesus is eternal life. In Philippians 3:7 Paul writes that this knowing of Jesus rendered everything else meaningless to him. To know Him is everything. To me the most glorious part of this knowing is that I was first fully known, Psalm 139, and then was invited to know Him deeply.

There is a mystery in our union with Him. Such a deep knowing that His beginning and our ending are woven together. Many times that union is forged deeper as I meet Him in the living flame of His word. That gorgeous moment for me on the stage has been repeated over and over and over as I gaze into a story, a parable, a teaching. I am given the gift of Him, and the gift of me. I didn’t know I could love anything this much.

“On that day you will realise that I am in my father, and you are in me and I am in you”. John 14:20

And here we are on the cusp of the year 2020 in our calendar.  20/20 is synonymous with clarity of sight, perfect vision, and therefore serves as a reminder to us that we are on a journey toward knowing fully as we are fully known. That consummation is not only possible but realised in every meeting we have with the lover of our souls.  He saw you, He saw me, just as He saw Nathaniel under the fig-tree with 20/20 vision rose-tinted with a deep and all-consuming love. 1 Corinthians 13:12 is not to be put on a shelf with the things we aren’t supposed to touch:

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me completely.”  (NLT)

Seeing face to face is the gift we have been given through the One who was slain before the foundation of the world. In this new day we are invited up, invited in. Like the words spoken to John and recorded in his book we can “come” “see”. (Revelation 1) He is so good to us and there is always more fruit given to feast on than held back until our stomachs are ready.

So come.